What I’ve Learned About Confidence (That I Wish I Knew at 35)

A letter to my younger self, and to every woman still trying to find her way.

Have you ever felt like confidence is something other people have, but not you? 

You work hard. You show up. And still, you doubt yourself.

I get it. I’ve been there.

To wonder if you’re enough. To wish someone would just tell you exactly how to feel confident again, or how to overcome self-doubt once and for all.

If that sounds like you, keep reading.

Because this isn’t just my story, it’s yours too.

A Letter to the Woman I Was at 35

(And maybe… to the woman you are now.)

At 35, I was at a major crossroads.

I was leaving the team that gave me my start. A place where I’d grown, been trusted, and earned respect.

But I’d outgrown the role.

I was stepping into something new, something exciting. Something that would stretch me again.

As usual, I leaned in:

• Took on extra responsibility
• Made things better
• Was rewarded with praise, trust, and promotions

I welcomed the promotions. I was proud of the recognition. But I couldn’t fully receive the praise.

I knew I was effective, dependable, capable. But deep down, I believed everyone else was just as good, maybe even better.

I didn’t see my work as extraordinary.
I didn’t see myself as extraordinary.

So this is for her.

And for you, if any of this feels familiar.

Dear Janet at 35,

(And you… yes, you, reading this now)

I know you’re tired.

Tired of trying to prove yourself. Always showing up. Always giving more.

But hear this:
You don’t have to earn your worth. Not through overwork. Not through perfection.

It’s time to embrace the unique combination of your skills and talents.

You have something that can’t be replicated. Your voice. Your instincts. Your way of leading with both heart and vision.

You don’t need to downplay your strengths to make others comfortable. You don’t need to shrink your power or dismiss your impact just because it comes naturally to you.

What you think is “normal” is actually your genius.

Confidence isn’t about being loud or certain all the time. It’s about trusting yourself, even when the path ahead isn’t fully clear.

And that quiet, inner knowing? That’s always been yours.

Let it grow.

You are enough. Right now. As you are.

Keep going. Keep becoming.

Love,
Your future self

4 Truths About Confidence I Wish I Knew at 35

Let’s talk about the myths so many women carry, especially in their 30s and 40s.

These are the truths that changed everything for me and taught me how to build confidence from the inside out.

Truth #1: Confidence Isn’t a Personality Trait, It’s a Practice

At 35, I thought confidence was something other women had naturally.

The ones who:

• Spoke up effortlessly in meetings
• Didn’t second-guess every email they sent
• Moved through the world with ease

I assumed they were just born that way.

I wasn’t.

What I didn’t realize then was that confidence isn’t a personality trait. Confidence is not reserved for the boldest or the loudest. If you want to learn how to build confidence, here’s the truth:

You build it by doing. One small, brave move at a time.

The first time I led a high-stakes project, I was terrified. But I broke it down, prepared like crazy, and got through it.

That’s when I learned:

• You don’t need to feel confident to act confident.
• The feeling comes after the action, not before.

Every time I showed up despite fear, I added another layer to my foundation.

So, if you're stuck wondering how to build confidence at work or how to overcome self-doubt when you feel small.

Start by doing the thing, even when you're unsure. Especially when you’re unsure. Because confidence isn’t found, it’s earned through movement.

Truth #2: You Don’t Have to Earn Worthiness

At 35, I measured my value by my output.

If I just did more, achieved more, proved more, I’d finally feel like I was enough.

But here’s what I’ve learned:

You don’t have to earn worthiness. You already have it. You were born with it.

Your value isn't tied to productivity. You don’t need to outperform, over-deliver, over-extend to justify your place.

That instinct to work twice as hard, to prove you belong? That’s survival mode, not self-worth.

Real self-worth is the foundation of how to build confidence that lasts. Not something you earn. Something you remember.

The key to how to build confidence that’s sustainable?

Stop tying your worth to your performance.

Confidence in women grows when we stop chasing validation and start honoring our inherent value.

Truth #3: Self-Doubt Doesn’t Mean You’re Not Ready

At 35, I assumed that doubt was a sign I wasn’t ready. 

That if I didn’t feel 100% confident, it meant I should wait.

• wait to speak up, 
• wait to apply, 
• wait to lead. 

I thought fear was a stop sign, when often it was just a signal I was growing.

Here’s what I’ve come to know about how to build confidence:

Self-doubt doesn’t mean you’re not ready. It means you care. 

It means you're stepping into something unfamiliar, something bigger than what you’ve done before. And that’s where real growth lives.

I can’t count how many times I had to overcome self-doubt and take action anyway.

• Saying yes to a new role.
• Pitching a bold idea.
• Standing up in a room full of senior leaders.

Each moment felt shaky, but I did it anyway. And every time, I found out I was more capable than I thought.

Confidence doesn’t mean you’re fearless. It means you keep going, even when fear tags along.

If you’re wondering how to build confidence, remember: clarity comes in the doing.

How to build confidence is not waiting for doubt to disappear, it’s moving forward despite it.

The confidence is built as you go.

Truth #4: Confidence Is Quiet, and So Is Power

At 35, I thought confidence looked a certain way: 

• bold
• outspoken
• the first to raise her hand or command a room. 

And because I didn’t always show up like that, I assumed I wasn’t confident enough.

Now I know better.

Confidence doesn’t always shout. Often, it whispers. It’s the steady voice inside that says, “I’ve got this,” even when your heart is racing. 

It’s in the boundaries you set, the decisions you make with clarity, the way you trust your intuition even when others doubt you.

And power? It doesn’t need to be loud either. 

The most powerful women I’ve worked with:

• Speak gently, but stand firm
• Don’t push, they hold deep presence and emotional intelligence. 

This is how to build confidence as yourself. You don’t need to change who you are to be confident. You just need to recognize that who you are is already powerful.

What I Wish I Could Tell You (And Every Woman Like You)

If I could go back and sit across from my 35-year-old self, I wouldn’t hand her a checklist or a self-help book.

I’d take her hand and say:

You’re not behind. You’re not broken. You don’t need to hustle your way to worthiness. You’re already enough, right now.

I’d tell her that confidence is something she already has, it just needs space to breathe.

And if she ever wondered how to build confidence again after feeling lost or stuck, I’d remind her it starts with giving herself permission to be seen.

I’d tell her that clarity doesn’t always come first, but it always arrives when you honor what matters most. 

And I’d tell her to stop shrinking, stop deferring, and start owning her voice.

Because becoming confident isn’t about becoming someone else. It’s about becoming more of yourself.

Want to Build Real, Lasting Confidence?

If you see yourself in this story, know this:

Confidence doesn’t come from waiting until you feel ready. It comes from honoring your inner voice and taking the next step.

Whether you’re 35, 45, or 65, it’s never too late to start again. Never too late to learn how to build confidence on your own terms.

If you're looking for confidence coaching for women or want to overcome self-doubt that actually works, I’d love to support you.

I work with women who are ready to stop shrinking and start owning their space especially in midlife.

Coaching isn’t about fixing you. It’s about helping you finally see the powerful, capable woman you already are.

And honestly? That’s why smart, capable women still need coaching, not because they’re weak, but because they’re ready for more.

Click here to book your free clarity call

You don’t have to do it alone. And you don’t have to wait any longer.